Always be true to yourself because back-stabbing yourself hurts worse than when others do it
I literally feel sick to my stomach right now, because I realize I have completely disrespected myself, my boundaries, what I feel is right, and my integrity. I put a low value on myself and behaved in a manner that is not in keeping with what I really feel or want in the long term, and I betrayed myself for the thrill of short term fun. Fortunately, no real damage was done, but I realized in my desire to find a relationship, I rushed ahead too much instead of respecting myself and showing the other person how to respect me as well. (In case this is cryptic, I’ll avoid gossip by stating that no one-night-stands were involved. That’s really, really not for me!) I acted like a real ditz and a bimbo, and didn’t really show the real me or the way I want people to see me. I think I basically set myself up to be someone’s fling by being too “easy” instead of looking for a guy who wants more than flirting. There’s every chance that said guy might want a relationship, but I have acted like a plaything instead of a respectable woman, which destroys any opportunity for the kind of relationship I want. What the heck was I thinking? I am experiencing dissonance between my actions and the real me, and it feels terrible.
The playfulness and flirtiness are definitely part of my nature, but I usually reserve them for relationships–not as ways to get someone who probably isn’t truly interested in ME to be a bit interested for a while. I feel like I acted like a peacock to get temporary attention when I really want a dedicated partner.
So what have I learned? Be true to yourself. If you are a smart girl, don’t try to be flirty for fear that a male will lose attention if you aren’t! He might find you amusing for a while, but you know who he’s going to keep seeing? The woman who respected herself all along, the woman who expected typical dating courtesy, the woman who wasn’t desperate. I’ve learned a lot and I’ve documented a lot of it in this blog, but clearly I have more to learn.