Category Archives: Recommended Books

Finding peace during times of struggle

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Please note, this is a Christian post about a devotional book.
Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence


Lately, I have been going through an extremely tough time. I have a lot of worries and there is nothing I can do other than keep going. Other people’s decisions will determine my future and my children’s safety as I make my case for why I should have custody ahead of my abusive ex-husband. It’s a time of intense fear and stress and I must wait it out.

I am keeping myself busy and healthy in so many ways–seeing friends, going to church, reading, exercising, and more. However, my mind always strays to my anxiety for my children. I have come to the point, where I must learn to accept my wait, accept that I am not really in control of the decision, and find a way to stay calm, peaceful and hopeful in spite of all of this!

I have turned to faith. I have always been a Christian, but now, more than ever, I recognize that I am one small person working as hard as I can, but I cannot change the ways of the world. Sometimes life is scary or unfair. So what is left? Faith.

I found this book at the grocery store a few months ago, (except my copy is pretty pink false leather,) and it jumped out at me. Enjoying peace? Sign me up! I flipped through it and found some passages that spoke to me so clearly, so I bought it. Since that day, it has been a morning ritual for me to read at least one day’s devotional. Often, I read more, but not too many at a time, because I want to savor the message.

So many of the passages have brought me peace and relaxation as they focus on giving my worries to God and expecting Him to walk with me even when things cannot be easy. I have underlined and starred so many sections that were perfect for my situation!

For example, here is one of my favorite quotes from the reading for January 31st, “Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare.” It’s so simple, but so true. I posted it on my work computer monitor to read it throughout the day.

Most of the devotionals are written from God’s point of view, and are paraphrased from scripture. They include a lot of wise advice such as, not worrying about tomorrow and focusing on living today, remembering that your thoughts guide your emotions, not looking to others to fulfill your needs, and more. The quotes are Christian scripture based, but also include good reminders for everyone. I found so much comfort and peace in them.

I’d highly recommend this devotional book for guidance and wisdom through life, but especially through hardships that drain us of hope and energy.

Posted in Good Moods, Inspiring Quotes, Recommended Books

The importance of redirecting negative thoughts to boost your mood and heal

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Sunflower Field with setting Sun in Background, nice Sunburst and Sunbeams One of the most important lessons I ever got from therapy was the reality that my thoughts control my feelings and moods…and I control my thoughts. It seems so simple, but it’s true and it works.

For those of us who have been through narcissistic abuse or other terrible events, we often get bogged down thinking how horrible things are. It is really hard to escape those patterns. The thoughts and images come back. They haunt us. We see that bad things have happened to us…and often there is quite a bit of bad before the good comes. They create a chain.

The abuser did horrible things to me. I tried to talk about it and get help, but no one listened. The abuser stayed calm and told everyone I was a liar. People believed him. I didn’t get the help I needed. Life isn’t fair. Nothing goes my way. Things will never get better….

And on, and on, and on it goes. The bad memories. The negative thoughts. The misery. The loss of faith in others. The loss of hope. The feeling that it’s better to give up. We feed into it. We make it bigger. We give it life. And it takes over.


Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life

But, we can help stop that. It’s not easy, but it’s possible and it’s essential to healing. Every time we think negative thoughts, our feelings become negative and we start repelling the good things in life. That’s why it is necessary for us to STOP the negative thoughts and re-frame them. Take back your power! You can’t just push the bad thought out of your head because it will bounce back. You have to replace it. You have to make it your job to focus on the positive thoughts. Even if it doesn’t feel right, and you aren’t convinced, DO IT! Treat it like work that you have to do and make it a priority…not just something that will happen to you. You have to make it happen.

There is a saying that one should “fake it until you make it.” In other words, even if you don’t feel happy, strong, and confident, pretend you are anyway. The very reality of acting like you are trains you to actually be happy, strong, and confident. Just like forcing yourself to smile can make you feel like you really are ready to smile. And there is all kinds of exciting research showing that forcing yourself to smile really does work!

When my therapist told me that I need to talk myself out of negative moods even if I didn’t feel very convinced, I did what she said. She’s given me really good and practical advise, so I trust her. And I have learned that she was right.

As I’ve said before, you can understand in your mind everything that is wrong in life, and you can understand why. You can even understand how to get past it. But there comes a time when you must proactively WORK on that hurdle. Just reading the books and knowing isn’t quite enough. It’s a good start, but you have to make the jump and take action to start the final stage of healing.

Posted in Good Moods, Recommended Books, Self-Improvement

A new idea to help you stay cheerful about your goals

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Life doesn't happen to me. I make life happen. I'm learning to look out for myself at lifeasyoumakeit.com I recently gave up a great job because it wasn’t a good fit for my family’s needs. I am a single mom to two little ones, and every time they got sick, I couldn’t take them to daycare. I had nowhere to turn and no one to help me out on short notice. Plus, I struggled to make various doctors appointments and other events. Most importantly, I felt like I was missing life! So, I took the plunge to quit my job and be completely self-employed. I had been working from home quite a bit on multiple business ideas, and they were slowly growing, but I decided now was the time! I haven’t had a job in two months, but my business goals are sustaining us and growing quickly now that I’ve made my part-time dream a full-time reality.

There’s Not Enough Time: . . . and other lies we tell ourselves.

I love that I can stay home with my kids when they get sick without worrying about losing my job or losing pay. I love that I can live my life during the day time and work on my own terms at night. I have so much more freedom! But…I also have stress. Starting a business takes devotion and I have three great ideas in the fire right now. Plus, I’m still the only parent and breadwinner. I’m the housekeeper, the pet caretaker, the driver, the cook and more. So, I’m super busy, and it’s important that I get things done without procrastinating. It’s a struggle to balance my time and make the most of it.

Lately, I’ve been trying new ways to work everything in each day and still have time to relax at the end. It’s working well! I usually have a long to-do list, and I check off the things I get done. But, the to-do list is always growing with new things to replace what I get done.

So…I have a new idea to help stay encouraged! At the end of the day, I am taking the time to list what I DID get done. No more stressing about only what didn’t get done, but also taking the time to appreciate what did. As I look at my list, I think “wow,” I really did well today, and it inspires me for the next day. It is a good way to keep a clear view of what I’m accomplishing and how I’m getting ahead. It keeps me from getting down in the dumps thinking about how I “failed” for the day.


The Total Money Makeover: Classic Edition: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness

This sort of reminds me of one of financial adviser Dave Ramsey’s tools. He recommends that people pay off their smaller bills first, so they can gain a feeling of accomplishment at being able to see their progress. A lot of financial advisers say to pay off your bills in order of highest interest rate, so you save money on interest, but Ramsey claims it’s more important to get the joy of watching your progress as you cut out the bills. I think there’s something to that. It’s easy to lose hope and give up a bit when you aren’t seeing clear rewards.

Much in the same way, you can give yourself a pat on the back by reminding yourself what good things you’ve accomplished each day…which motivates you to keep going the next day. At least it’s working for me! It’s always more positive and inspirational to focus on the pros instead of the cons. Even if you don’t actually write down what you did, just take a moment to think it over in your head. For example, I did some major house cleaning this weekend–not just the regular things, but little details as well. At the end of the day, I looked around, thought about everything I did, and felt really good about my progress. It reminded me that, even though I am super busy, I CAN do this! I can do all of my “work” work and all of my house work and all of my mom work. And, I can end my day with a sense of achievement.

Posted in Career, Reaching Goals, Recommended Books

Feeling inspired to find success and be anything you want to be

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Dreaming big and living well!

Dreaming big and living well!

As a former co-dependent people-pleasing doormat, I was always afraid to take risks and apply for better jobs. Even though I knew there were things I was really good at, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. At the same time, I saw other people advancing quickly in their careers, and I’d realize that I was just as educated, smart, or talented as they were. The only difference was, they had faith in their abilities and they were not afraid to think they could be more. I never had that level of self-esteem. But since I escaped an abuser, I’ve decided that lots of things are going to change! So while I’m working on my boundaries and self-esteem to find better relationships, I’m also looking at the big picture to find success in my career as well. No longer am I going to feel like I’m not good enough–in love or life!


Think and Grow Rich!: The Original Version, Restored and Revised (TM)
I’ve posted quite a bit about Napoleon Hill’s books and advice for finding success and promoting our abilities. His books have been well-loved for years, and I can see why! One of his chapters is about building our image so people see us as successful…which gives them more faith in our ability to do the job. I’ve been working on that in my own career, but tonight, I see it in “real life.”

I’m doing some research on companies for a friend. All kinds of companies–from health care to massage to interior design to water pumps. And one thing that stands out to me is this: when I go through their websites, they all seem very successful and elite–almost intimidating. They make me feel pretty unsuccessful in comparison…but then I got to thinking. I have no idea how much money these companies and their employees make. I have no idea how well their business is growing. All I know is that the way they portray themselves, the photos they have, their descriptions of their business, etc…make them seem very professional and pretty impressive. They seem like they know what they are doing, and they are good at it. They make the business seem desirable. They SELL themselves. The faith they have in their abilities gives me faith in them as well. (To be clear, Napoleon Hill does not endorse lying, or putting on a false front. This is more about giving a good impression of yourself as someone who can do a good job.)

It reminds that we can be who we want to be and do what we want to do…but we have to have faith in ourselves and show our confidence. I don’t want to be the meek mousy girl who is too shy or too humble or too afraid to let others know that I can do a great job. I don’t want to hide my abilities anymore. I want to share them with confidence and feel good about my talents! And that’s what these companies I’m researching are doing. It’s a good example for the rest of us.

Posted in Career, Recommended Books

Turning Post-Traumatic Stress into Post-Traumatic Growth

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I learned about a new idea tonight–the theory of Post Traumatic Growth. After going through an extremely abusive relationship, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I think my case is “mild,” but it sometimes comes back to me and ruins a day or two with flashbacks and bad dreams. I hate what happened to me, but sometimes I can see that it changed me for the better. I wish I could have changed for the better without being abused, but the events definitely pushed me into realizing I needed to learn to protect myself from predatory people and it inspired me to put more value on myself…and to better take care of myself.

In abuse recovery groups, we often hear cliches telling us that things will become better than before and that we will learn to be stronger and happier after trauma. It sometimes seems very hard to believe, but on good days, I know it’s true. My life, and my treatment of myself has changed dramatically for the better since I escaped from an abuser and said “no more!”


The article I read tonight was based on the book Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth
When I read this article, I could relate. The idea of growing stronger after trauma is not a new idea, but I’m excited and inspired that there are researchers studying it and learning about it. The article notes that, it isn’t the trauma that helps us grow, but instead we grow from our reactions and our thoughts about it.

In that study, participants who went through a period of deliberate rumination, in which they thought deeply about their experience and how best to find a way forward, were more likely to rebound to a better place.

 

 

 

The article mentions that it is important not to get stuck, though. That is something that is hard to avoid for those of us who continue to deal with abusive people. It’s really hard not to focus on how bad things are, when it seems like no change is in sight. I know for me, my head understood how to “get over it” a lot sooner than my heart did. I finally had to make the jump from just understanding how to feel better to actually, actively getting better!

 

Here’s another quote that especially spoke to me:

…in another report, those who felt more depressed after their diagnoses were more likely to say they had made positive changes up to two years later compared with those who found the ordeal less trying.

That’s pretty comforting. Of course we hate going through really rough recovery after domestic abuse, but those of us who have it harder are more likely to make the bigger, better changes. There is light at the end of this tunnel! Sometimes we struggle to believe that we will rebound better than ever, but now there are experts and studies to back us up and gives us information on who recovers better.
Here’s another article on the subject that lists some characteristics of people who grow instead of “breaking.” One of the things that can help you recover better is a good social support system, but here’s an interesting quote:
Support from those who have had your experience can be just as helpful – even if those people are strangers. Back in the day, this takes the form of bereavement groups. Today, it can be a Facebook group or an online community.
This is good to know! Especially for those of us who are estranged from abusive families, or who have watched our abusers fool and take all our friends away from us.
Another thing that can help is “emotional” disclosure. Talking to others is good, but so is writing in a journal or sharing what happened to you. There are more helpful points and ideas, but it all comes down to: we have the power to view our traumas in a productive way and choose the mindset to thrive. Our thoughts control our emotions, and it’s important that WE take our thoughts where we want to go!
Here are a couple other books about Post-Traumatic Growth that sound promising:

 

Posted in Boundaries, Good Moods, Recommended Books, Self-Improvement

Other women can be a woman’s worst enemies. Choose your friends carefully!

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laymitrustgiftglowinghandsAt work, most of my co-workers are women and men are relatively rare, so we are free to talk about men, women and stereotypes. The other day, one of our supervisors mentioned that she is teaching her teenaged daughter to be careful about trusting other girls, because girls are so mean to each other. We all nodded our heads with knowing looks on our faces. Ain’t that the truth! Women can be brutal and cruel to other women!

If you are an adult woman, you probably went to some slumber parties as a kid. Did you ever notice that every single one resulted in the girls taking sides, getting into a “war” and switching sides through the party? The fun party always ended up with girls talking about each other, being friends, then going to the other “side” to back-stab the girls on the first side. Someone or everyone always hated each other by the end.

Mean Girls, Meaner Women: Understanding Why Women Backstab, Betray, and Trash-Talk Each Other and How to Heal

And guess what?! IT DOESN’T CHANGE! We’d like to think that we grow up, that other people grow up, that the people who bullied us grow up, but adults are just as mean to each other as kids are. Sure, they have learned some lessons, but a woman can be your best friend one minute, then your worst enemy the next. You trust the wrong one with your secrets, and when they turn on you, the whole world will know them–or more likely, a very distorted version of them. And yet, we are supposed to be the nurturing and gentle sex….

As I’ve dealt with the smear campaign from my sociopath ex spouse, he has charmed dozens of women into attacking me on his behalf. Some eventually realize they are being used and back off, but there is always a new round of women ready to believe his mean ex wife is destroying his life. And there is always a round of women to harass me. Men? Not so much. Sure some men just hate all women, but most of them aren’t so ridiculous. No, I am not a woman hater. (I am a woman after all!) But ladies, how can we expect people to respect us if we treat each other like crap? And how can we find real, trustworthy friends when we have to figure out which person is holding the knife to stab us in the back?

Here is a good article about Girls Who Bully that offers some ideas for why females act like this, and why it is so devastating. There are a lot of good quotes in there!

Grown-Up Girlfriends: Finding and Keeping Real Friends in the Real World (Focus on the Family)

Recently, someone I’d considered a good friend cut me off, befriended my abuser and started trashing me. I was confused. We had been chatting on Facebook, then POOF! I couldn’t respond. We weren’t arguing or anything. She admits to being bi-polar and has done such things in the past, so I just let it go and gave her space. I figured it wouldn’t help to push her. A few weeks ago, she started attacking me publicly out of nowhere and “explained” why she was mad at me. It was over an incident that I didn’t know anything about, and definitely wasn’t responsible for! Well, at least now I know. She then continued to attack me and post distorted versions of secrets I’d told her. Wow. Some friend. I believe that my ex abuser helped rile her up, because narcissists do things like that and triangulate fights between people, but she still proved to be a terrible friend. Frankly, even if I do forgive, I won’t trust that person as a friend again. But, it certainly taught me, (yet again,) that we need to be extremely choosy about who we trust as friends, and who we share our weaknesses with, because women in particular will often use them as weapons. Trust is a gift, and I won’t give it away so cheaply in the future.

Posted in Just Thinking..., Recommended Books, Toxic People

Controlling your reaction to things you cannot control

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Napoleon Hill’s a Year of Growing Rich: 52 Steps to Achieving Life’s Rewards

I post about reading this book every once in a while, because I read one chapter at a time and I’m taking my time. It’s a very inspiring book! Even though it is focused on getting rich by making more money, the tips the author gives for getting rich are really tips that make our lives better anyway. And that is where my journey is taking me after surviving abuse–a better life where I am assertive and taking care of myself better than I have in the past!

The chapter I read today was “Your Source of Power,” and at the end was a quote that really got me thinking. I’ve read it before, but I usually find it a bit frustrating. Hill says:

Your state of mind is something you can control completely….

No one can control the actions of others or the many circumstances of life that tend to make one angry, but you can control your reactions to these actions and circumstances.

This is not a new idea, but sometimes I just read things in a new light. This idea is also the main point of another book I read called People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys. That book is filled with assertive ways to deal with maddening people! It really is the truth that we can control our reactions, but I’ve always found the idea so frustrating because when you are dealing with a crazy person–especially an abuser–you begin to feel helpless after a while. It’s hard to believe you have any control over anything when there is a strong bully ruling over your life! The authors can say we control our own minds, but if you are being criticized and attacked and gaslighted daily, it really gets hard to stay strong. So I guess what I’m thinking is, sometimes it is harder than usual to control your reaction to a situation and stay strong, and that’s why every time I’ve seen that quote, I have had trouble fully accepting it. It was always so hard to see a way out of the abuse.

Still, it gets me thinking…when my ex was screaming and calling me names all the time, and I was huddled and crying in fear, could I have changed my reaction by simply not letting his rages scare me? I don’t know, because he was so unpredictable. I did change the problem by ending the marriage very quickly, so I guess that was the only way I could control my reaction to a volatile person.

Since I used to be a co-dependent, I’ve always had a problem with working harder and harder to fix the problems with abusive people, when I should have been strong, and kicked them right out the door after it became clear they weren’t going to change! When I was trying to fix disordered people, I was giving up my own power and letting them run all over my life while I waited for them to be respectful. (As if that would ever happen!) I can’t believe it took me so long to gain the insight and boundaries to stop letting unrepentant abusers control me when I could have said “no!” so much sooner. Lesson learned….

As I’ve been healing, I’ve really taken heart in this idea that I can control my reactions instead of trying to control people’s bad behavior. It is so much easier and less stressful, that’s for sure! It makes me feel like I have more personal power, and it gives me so much excitement for the future.

The other day, someone did something really crappy to me–stole my work off of my website, cropped out my website address, re-posted it as her own, said it was hers, and told people they too could share it. I was not happy that this person was so disrespectful with my work, nor the fact that technically, that is a crime. When I confronted the person, she refused to remove my stolen work, and she blocked me. That’s the kind of situation where someone else is taking control of your life, and you feel like you can’t stop them! It was incredibly rude and entitled of that person to think it was okay to do that! And it was that situation that made me see that old quote up there in a new light. I am no longer allowing people to abuse me. That person violated me, and I cannot control her behavior, nor can I make her an honest, ethical person. She was dishonest and that probably isn’t going to change. People are what they are until they decide to change… and judging by her refusal to remove my copyrighted work or even talk about it, she wasn’t planning on changing any time soon!

So…if I can’t prevent someone from violating me, I can control whether or not I let them continue, and whether or not I let it ruin my day. There are always going to be jerks in the world. All I can do is use my legal rights, (which I did.) I am done engaging with that person, because I don’t want to waste my time on abusive people anymore. I cannot keep those types of people from walking through my life, but I can keep them from staying. And that’s really what that quote is about.

Posted in Recommended Books, Self-Improvement, Toxic People

Free eBooks on Amazon June 6, 2015

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I haven’t read any of these, but I go through the free Kindle books on Amazon from time to time. Right now, all of these are free and sound like they could be helpful! If you don’t have a Kindle, you can download the program for free to read on your computer.

 

Sometimes the prices on free books go back up, so make sure you check to see if it’s still free before you download.






Posted in Reaching Goals, Recommended Books, Self-Improvement

Looking around and learning about coping and life improvement skills

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
In my previous post, I wrote about how opening my mind to self-help books and trusting a therapist was a huge help for me to start overcoming the legacy of secrets and denial I learned in my dysfunctional family. I started learning how to live in a functional manner and how to set boundaries about how I wanted to be treated. Not only did I become eager to learn from books, but I started looking everywhere for life tips.

O’s Big Book of Happiness: The Best of O, The Oprah Magazine: Wisdom, Wit, Advice, Interviews, and Inspiration

For many years, I stopped reading magazines because I felt like they were a waste of money, space and paper. Then a couple years ago, I got a really good bargain on O magazine. Now, I have never really been a fan of Oprah Winfrey, or of talk shows in general, but it hit me that, even if I wasn’t a fan, I had to admit that she was a huge success and obviously knew how to do something right. I realized I could learn something from her and what her company promoted. There’s definitely something about her that attracts people and I wanted to evolve into one of those women who really had good things going for her. Who better to learn from than women who can demonstrate the way I want to be? I found that Oprah’s magazine promotes really great life skills, positivity, success, self-esteem, and more–all things that I was lacking, and all things I wanted to learn more about. There’s even an interesting series of books related to her magazine.

Part of living a good life is also learning to manage time, prioritize, and reduce stress, so I started looking at more magazines for ideas in these areas. As much as I love reading books, one benefit to magazines is they are colorful, cheerful, and have short articles. They are good when you only have a few minutes to relax between appointments, for a break on my front porch, for a while before work…. It sounds silly, but I have found that reading them again, is a good “investment,” because I pick up quick and fun ideas that inspire me or help me with life. One of my current favorites is Real Simple. In every issue, I end up bookmarking a few spots with good ideas, or quotes that make me think. I find they are a good inspiration for learning valuable life lessons, and they often inspire me to think about things for this blog. One of their recent issues is a 15th anniversary issue called “The Ultimate Life Handbook,” and it has a a lot of excerpts from their new book called The Real Simple Guide to Real Life: Adulthood made easy. There are a whole variety of good ideas in here for living a smart, functional life, and I’m really enjoying them.

I’m sure many of us look at the magazine racks at the grocery store, but I’ve started looking at them in a new light. They aren’t just there to help me kill some time, they are full of smart ideas from empowered women, as well as inspiration. More and more as I open my heart to healing, I realize I can learn something from nearly every resource and situation. There’s good stuff all around us!

Posted in Career, Cleaning, Finances, Good Moods, Recommended Books, Self-Improvement

J.K. Rowling and the benefits of failure

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I have a subscription to Reader’s Digest which is full of funny anecdotes but also meaningful articles. The story that really got my attention today was an excerpt from the book
Very Good Lives: The Fringe Benefits of Failure and the Importance of Imagination by J.K. Rowling, (of Harry Potter fame.) She made some good points that I have also heard from my therapist, (who is really wise!) I’ve actually had them on my list of ideas for this blog, so seeing this article today prompted me to write.

If you are familiar with Rowling’s background, you may know that she struggled as a single mother in poverty before she hit it HUGE with her books. Wouldn’t we all love to have that kind of rags to riches story? I know I would! (Although I’d stick with just rags to comfortable….)

There were three big points that stood out to me today in this excerpt from her book. One: She says that she was already living her greatest fear–poverty–so she had nothing else to fear when she took her risk to work on her books. This so true. Sometimes we have to be in a really bad place before we get desperate enough to take the risks and make the changes that will give us our best lives. If we didn’t have anything else to fear, I wonder how many huge leaps we would make towards success?

Two: she points out that if she had “really succeeded at anything else, [she] might never have found the determination to succeed” at writing. What a great way to think of “failure” in other jobs or careers. As I’ve written a couple times before, sometimes we waste time in the wrong places and they keep us away from the right places. We are taught that failure is a terrible thing, but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. I know that if I hadn’t lost my “real” job last year, I’d still be wallowing in a dead-end job instead of feeling excited about chasing my real dreams.

And finally three: This is a big one that I learned first from my therapist and then from life. Rowling says “The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive.” So true! I’ve been through some very rough times in the past couple years, but when I look back and realize all I survived and just how strong I was, it lets me face the future with less fear. I’ve made it before and that means I can make it again.

This Reader’s Digest clip is only one page long, yet so full of wisdom and inspiration. I just ordered the whole book because I want to learn from Rowling’s success story! There is so much we can learn by listening to people who have survived and succeeded–especially if their lives and/or goals are similar to ours. I will report back after I read it!

Posted in Career, Recommended Books, Self-Improvement
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